Well I woke up feeling so strange. 60. SIXTY! I mean, last I checked I was only 45 (my nephew says I will be forever 45 to him so I'm sticking with that!)
Even in my '45' years, I can't believe how fast it's gone. And this past year was a doozy. I moved across country to be closer to my dad, who we moved up here from Utah, and just a short month later I sat and held his hand as he took his last breath. He cared for his wife as she passed and I think that took a lot out of him and he never fully bounced back after that. It was as beautiful a passing as I think one can hope for; 4 out of his 5 children were there, along with his caretaker, his favorite music played, stories were told, caring hospital staff were quietly present and a few seconds after we thought he left us, as my sister and I leaned in, he took one last loud gasp which made us scream and jump back…and that is just how he would want it. We were left in a strange moment of both laughter and tears.
Mainly, when thinking on the last few months with him, I think he was stunned at how his 3 biological children showed up for him. Even after years of being absent from our lives. He was always a complicated soul, damaged from the get go and he could never fully connect emotionally with us. He loved us, I know that, but it was almost too much for him to feel that. I am proud that the 3 of us were able to show him that we turned out to be amazing, loving, warm and supportive children. And forgiving.
I've thought a lot about life this past year as I've hurled toward 60. People who know my cancer history say 'it beats the alternative' or 'think of all the people who didn't make it' and believe me, I am acutely aware that this time is a gift. But I am human and I would be completely healed from cancer if I didn't have the fear of getting older.
I loved turning 50. I felt a sense of freedom, and unburdening of a sort, but 60 feels so daunting. It's the decade we start to become invisible, to fade, to breakdown. Well I am going to fight against that, or at least push back a little. I have been told many times over the last few years that I am resilient. A term I have come to loathe. I don't want to have to be resilient. I want calm, ease, comfort, joy. (Oh god! That sounds like someone who is 60! Well, if the shoe fits I guess! ) I want to reap the benefits of what I've sewn. I am tired of struggling, fighting, hoping, wishing, brushing myself off when I get knocked down.
So I am going to lean into Joy this decade.
If it doesn't bring me joy, I am releasing it. Relationships, clothing, work, study, travel all of it. I am going to admit I hate opera, and cool jazz. I don't like yoga (okay, I suck at it so I hate it) and It’s okay that I suck at meditating even thought literally everyone who knows me says it will change me life!
I want to play the guitar and sing again and I am not too old to take lessons!
I am going to not be afraid in business, in asking for what I deserve. I am not going to be afraid of people I deem to hold power over me. I am going to nurture relationships and things that will in return reward me with joy.
Joy is my mother's favorite word and now I understand why. She is about to turn 90 and all I see when I look at her is a wonderful, youthful woman who has lived life to the fullest and taken no prisoners. She has no fear, no insecurities and always assumes she's right (unfortunately for me, she usually is!) I am going to take that word from her and use it to my advantage.
So back to my birthday.
I have always wanted a white sheet cake from the grocery store for my birthday. No one has ever gotten me one. Each year I would hear 'oh, I didn't think you were serious' or 'you can't possibly really want that' or 'I couldn't bring myself to buy that for you!' This is not a poor me share but a new philosophy share...I was waiting for others to give me what I want and now, I am going to get my own damn sheet cake! I have the ability to make myself happy and that is what I am going to do this next decade. I am going to soak up the joy of my friends, relationships, family and co-workers and start a new business that I have been working on for over two years and I am going to laugh every day. and play the guitar even if I’m terrible at it.
What will you do to bring yourself joy?
